May 12, 2011

Ode To Cereal

Cereal cereal please be mine

I want to eat you all the time

Crunchy yet soggy - the perfect mix

Fuck I could really go for some Trix

I love all shapes, all flavors too

I really love when my milk turns blue

One thing that I must say is this:

If all food disappeared, it is you I would miss

Cereal cereal please be mine

Now I am going to have a glass of wine

It needs a bit of work (particularly the ending), but I hope that it will be enough to please the cereal gods so that they will bless me with Kashi from the heavens.

May 11, 2012

I met an elf today.  She was outside planting flowers.  I was very surprised, because I was not aware that there were elves living in my neighborhood.

"Hello," I said.  "What is your name?"
"I'm Sugaree," said the elf.
"I didn't know there were elves living around here."
"Oh I don't live here, Miss," said Sugaree.  "I'm just the gardener.  I go home at night and for lunch."
"When is your lunch?" I asked.
"Now," said Sugaree.  "Would you like to come with me?"
So we walked through the door that had suddenly appeared over by the snapdragons.

Sugaree lived in a small little one room house made of wood.  Her table was made of a deck of cards.  I sat at the table (which was not a problem since I had my shrink ray with me, not to mention, I am not much larger than an elf anyways) and Sugaree gave me a mug of beer and a bowl of cabbage and noodles.
"I always thought that elves ate more magic-type foods," I said.
"What could be more magical than cabbage and noodles?"  Asked Sugaree, and I had to agree.

After lunch, Sugaree took me to the town square where all the elves did an elf dance while singing an elf song.  It went like this:

The Elf Song

(Sung to the tune of "You're A Grand Old Flag")

We are elf elf elves

In this village do we dwell

We eat cabbage and noodles all day

When the frog disappears

We will all give a cheer

That he hasn't took us away

It went on for several more verses, but they were all pretty repetitive so I didn't feel the need to copy them down.  When they were finally done singing, I asked them about the frog bit.

"There's a frog that lives over in that forest," said Sugaree.

"Every night he comes into our village and eats at least four of us," said one of the other elves.

"Wait a minute," said Sugaree.  "You're a human!  You could kill it!"

"Yeah!"  Shouted the other elves.

I looked at all of their sad hopeful faces.

"Fuck no," I said.  "I hate frogs.  Anyways, I have to go take my English final."

Sugaree's eyes started glowing red and she put a curse on me and that, my friends, is why I am a polar bear.  It wouldn't be too bad, except I was always cold to begin with and now that I'm living in the Arctic, it's just gotten that much worse.  Plus also, I am a vegetarian and there isn't much vegetation growing up here so I am slowly starving and freezing to death.  It's a bit of a downer, but I'm sure that there's a way to reverse the curse if I tap my heels together or am kissed by my one true love.

Which is the natural born polar bear?

A.)

B.)

Answer: A



May 9, 2012

On my way to the library this morning, a man drove by me.  He slowed down, rolled down his window, and immediately went into a massive coughing fit.  Then he drove away.  I don't know what this means, but there's a little voice in my head that says he was trying to kill me.
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I woke up at 4:30 this morning and I couldn't fall back asleep, so I took my dog for a walk.  It was humid and foggy and wet and gray outside.  I decided it was the perfect day for an elegant tea party in my enchanted garden.  I asked Kacey, my imaginary friend, to come.  He was excited until I told him that I also invited Lilliquith, the dead mouse I found in my kitchen this morning.

"Why'd you invited him?"
"Because he is educated and elequent.  Now stop bitching and put on your best gothic victorian suit."

This is a drawing of Lilliquith.  He wears glasses and quotes Tolstoy and Nabokov.


"What are you gonna wear?" asked Kacey.
"A poofy pink dress," I said.  "And I actually won't look stupid in it."
"Can't I wear a dress?  And you can wear the suit?" asked Kacey.
"No because this is an Elegant Classy Event and we are going to be Elegant and Classy people even if it kills us."
"Does Lilliquith have to wear a Victorian suit?"
"Lilliquith is a mouse." I said.  "Why the fuck would he wear a suit?"

The tea party was wonderful.  Here is a copy of the formal invitation.

(This does not mean that you are invited, because it already happened.  Maybe next time.)

We drank tea out of dainty little cups and ate dainty little cakes and cookies made with heaps of butter and sugar.
Even though I like to pretend that we looked like this:

Here is an actual photograph from this afternoon:

Me and Kacy are quite literally incapable of being classy or elegant.  Lilliquith didn't mind though.  He's too far up his own ass to really notice.  Plus also, he's dead.

In case you were wondering about Kacey's absence from this picture, rest assured he's there.  He just doesn't really show up in photographs well.  Every time I ask him about this, he just gets this far off look in his eyes and says, "I did a lot of drugs back in the day."  This explains literally nothing about his inability to show up in photographs, but I let it slide.  The whole thing is a shame though because we have gone to the beach and the moon and Milwaulkee and all of our souvineer photographs are me, grinning wildly, my arm wrapped around nothing but air.