May 11, 2012

I met an elf today.  She was outside planting flowers.  I was very surprised, because I was not aware that there were elves living in my neighborhood.

"Hello," I said.  "What is your name?"
"I'm Sugaree," said the elf.
"I didn't know there were elves living around here."
"Oh I don't live here, Miss," said Sugaree.  "I'm just the gardener.  I go home at night and for lunch."
"When is your lunch?" I asked.
"Now," said Sugaree.  "Would you like to come with me?"
So we walked through the door that had suddenly appeared over by the snapdragons.

Sugaree lived in a small little one room house made of wood.  Her table was made of a deck of cards.  I sat at the table (which was not a problem since I had my shrink ray with me, not to mention, I am not much larger than an elf anyways) and Sugaree gave me a mug of beer and a bowl of cabbage and noodles.
"I always thought that elves ate more magic-type foods," I said.
"What could be more magical than cabbage and noodles?"  Asked Sugaree, and I had to agree.

After lunch, Sugaree took me to the town square where all the elves did an elf dance while singing an elf song.  It went like this:

The Elf Song

(Sung to the tune of "You're A Grand Old Flag")

We are elf elf elves

In this village do we dwell

We eat cabbage and noodles all day

When the frog disappears

We will all give a cheer

That he hasn't took us away

It went on for several more verses, but they were all pretty repetitive so I didn't feel the need to copy them down.  When they were finally done singing, I asked them about the frog bit.

"There's a frog that lives over in that forest," said Sugaree.

"Every night he comes into our village and eats at least four of us," said one of the other elves.

"Wait a minute," said Sugaree.  "You're a human!  You could kill it!"

"Yeah!"  Shouted the other elves.

I looked at all of their sad hopeful faces.

"Fuck no," I said.  "I hate frogs.  Anyways, I have to go take my English final."

Sugaree's eyes started glowing red and she put a curse on me and that, my friends, is why I am a polar bear.  It wouldn't be too bad, except I was always cold to begin with and now that I'm living in the Arctic, it's just gotten that much worse.  Plus also, I am a vegetarian and there isn't much vegetation growing up here so I am slowly starving and freezing to death.  It's a bit of a downer, but I'm sure that there's a way to reverse the curse if I tap my heels together or am kissed by my one true love.

Which is the natural born polar bear?

A.)

B.)

Answer: A